Toxic Relationships: Why Inconsistency Can be Addicting

Let’s talk about trauma bonds. Intermittent reinforcement is when rewards are handed out intermittently and unpredictably. Researchers found that rats pressed a level for food more steadily when they did not know when the next food pellet was coming than they did when they always received a pellet. The same principle is true for human relationships. We can actually become addicted to seeking affection from our partners when it is handed out inconsistently in this way.

Believe it or not, this effect actually works on a biochemical level; when pleasurable moments are few and far between, reward circuits associated with toxic relationships become strengthened. When pleasure and reinforcement is predictable, our reward circuits become less accustomed to it and our brains actually release less dopamine over time when with a consistently loving partner. This explains why if you grew up with a caretaker whose care towards you was inconsistent, you are more likely to seek this type of attachment style in a partner as well.

The good news is that these types of trauma bonds can be broken. By recognizing this toxic pattern and learning to track it, we can disrupt this cycle before it begins again. You deserve to feel secure and loved. You deserve to heal, to think clearly again, and to come back to your sense of self. And most importantly, even if it feels impossible, I promise you that you have the power to break free from this type of relationship.

I would love to work with you to learn about your attachment style, expose patterns that are keeping you stuck, and to create healthy relationship patterns. As a clinical registered counsellor (RCC) I am available to see clients virtually and in person at my office in Squamish, BC. Please visit www.wildpathwellness.com for more information and to book a free 15-minute phone consultation.